Cnuting Snow!

So, it’s snowing. This may have escaped the attention of some people and by some people I mean those that are bereft of life. Yes, the only way to avoid the snow and the chaos it leaves in it’s wake is to be dead. What a nightmare. You can’t drive anywhere because the roads are not gritted, other road users are idiots, the freezing temperatures mean it’s not thawing, other road users are idiots and lastly but not leastly, other road users are idiots.

Yes, I’m aware that I rant about this every year and frankly I don’t care. I’ve got a powerful rear wheeled drive diesel and I get everywhere just fine, why can’t everyone manage? Seriously, I was following a Land Rover Disco the other day doing 20mph on a wet road. Look, just because you can see snow through the window of your car doesn’t mean that it is on the surface your are driving on!!

Utter cock hat!

Wibble!

No, I am not wearing a pair of underpants on my head and nor have I jammed a pencil up each nostril, before you ask! I am wearing a pencil on my head and have jammed a pair of underpants up each nostril. I find it much more effective if you’re trying to prove to someone that you are absolutely bonkers. See, you’ve learnt something already haven’t you?

So, what’s new I hear you cry? Not a lot. I’m still stunningly handsome, my reflection never lies to me. My wife still loves me, even though I’m basically a bag of wind that loves boobies and eats all the food in the house.

The observant of you will notice that I slipped a rather important nugget of information into what you have just read. Something that has changed in my life that if I don’t mention it, my wife will kill me!

Again, the observant amongst you will notice I’ve just said it for a second time!

Your counting word’s now aren’t you? Just to see which ones I’ve used twice so you can work what the blubbery smeg I’m talking about, right?

Ok, ok I’ll stop. Of course, I’m talking about getting married in May this year. Yes folk, I’ve taken the plunge, acquired myself a trouble and strife and I am very happy. We had what can only be described as the most perfect wedding ever in a castle, with all our Family and friends around us and we had one hell of a time!! The honeymoon was damn awesome too, a couple of weeks of luxury in the sun on the remote Cape Verde islands off the west coast of Africa. It was all bloody ace!!

The other bit of news that excites me and bores the tears out of my wife is my new car. Yes, I finally sold the FTO, which pretty much made me cry man tears but I did replace it with a super posh and swanky Lexus IS220d. I needed a diesel as I do a lot of miles, so obviously I need a car with leather, more toys than Darth Vaders cockpit and a 180BHP diesel engine to blast me too and from work. It was the obvious choice really! I’ll create a new page at some point and put up a few Photograph’s but don’t expect too many mods as it is so nice the way it is, I think messing it about with it will only make it worse!

This is steve signing off, toodles!

It’s about time I attacked cyclists . . .

. . . with a verbal assault, not with a cricket bat, although it is the latter that I would rather do*. But, before I get lynched by all of the cyclists in the world I should point out that it is only a small(ish) majority of the cycling community that is letting the side down. So to elaborate further, what is making me so irate? Well, I’ll explain. There is one very simply rule that all cyclists should follow, in fact, so simple is this rule that anyone with at least half a working brain could follow it, yes, even Paris Hilton!

Look over your shoulder BEFORE moving out into the road.

Very simple wouldn’t  you agree? Evidently not to some brain dead idiots who are under the delusion that there is no such thing as the car, that some how, a squishy human straddled over a flimsy frame supported by two circles of rubber can simply ignore over a tonne of steel travelling at speed and move out to “pass that parked car” or “turn right into that side road” without even having to flinch, or look, or slow down, or engage brain. No cyclists, no. In reality here is what actually happens; Cyclist plank moves out into road with no regard for his/her safety or anyone around them, I have to slam on the anchors (In some instances swerve towards oncoming traffic is required. Yes, you’ve spotted the danger in that as well haven’t you? You clever people!) and somehow hope that I don’t flatten said plank under the wheels of my car. Arse biscuits!!

Now for the serious bit.

Yes, I always give cyclists plenty of room and yes, I always try to pre em-pt what a cyclist may be going to do or what the traffic conditions are like up ahead. I do have common sense and road sense to know that me and a cyclist can’t overtake a parked car at the same time, one of us has to go first, sometimes its me, sometimes it’s the cyclists. I do sympathise with how difficult and how dangerous the roads are for cyclists but put simply, you don’t do yourself any favours by not looking around and over you shoulder before making any kind of manoeuvre! Lessons learnt kiddies!

Rant over.

*I would never hit anyone with a Cricket bat. I would use a steel bar. Chortle!

Drat and double Drat!

So, at the last minute I decided to use half a days holiday to have a Friday afternoon off to enjoy the fabulous, awesome weather we are experiencing at the moment. Somebody hates me I swear. So, it’s still 3 million degrees but pissing it down, so I can’t be in the outside world unless i’m fine with getting very wet. No, no i’m not fine with it. Curses! Curses to you all!

Rant over.

High visability jackets . . . A hidden agenda lurks within

Driving to work this morning I saw a fairly large group of people wearing High visibilty Jackets lurking just out of sight on the footpath. Obviously as I got closer they became alot more visible, which some of you will argue is the entire point of said item of clothing in question, However, I intend to proove otherwise and uncover a hidden, darker and more sinister agenda embedded within the reflective strips. My first reaction when I saw the group of people wearing the Devil’s reflective garment was to jam on the brakes, slow down to below 30mph and whistle an entirley innocent tune whilst tapping the steering wheel. Yes, I thought they were police officers, with a speed gun, hidding behind a hedge, ready to pounce out and zzap me to death with an sp30 on my licence and the £60 fine and 3 points that comes with it. Utter cock hats. So this is the hidden agenda, obviously the Police have struck some kind of deal with the health and safety dudes of the world to make High visibility jackets compulsury, so more and more people are finding they have to wear them. This is the reason i’m sure, another ploy to slow down us motorists who aren’t really speeding that much or doing anything wrong, they just hates us, we are easy targets and a great way to line the governments wallets with our money.

So, as with all my posts, you will notice that I have taken an objective view, looked at the argument from all sides and then completely ignored it and told you what the answer is as I see it.  I am the final word in everything*.

*I am probably completely wrong about everything I have ever said.

One of Lifes unanswered questions resolved!

Now that I have moved house I’m finding that I have alot more time to think when driving to and from work due to the extended journey time of about 50-60mins. I have put this increased thinking time to immediate effect and already answered one of life’s unanswered question; What does Moped stand for? I was following one of the stupid things this morning, contemplating on whether to run the smegger over or not and I got to thinking, how did anyone ever come up with the moped? and what does Moped stand for? Interesting I thought, so I set about solving the problem. A matter of seconds later I came up with what can only be described as the totally 100% correct, if you were to question this you would be some type of idiot answer. An answer so concrete that any attempt to proove it wrong could result in the entire fabric of existance tearing and the world emploding in on itself destorying all life and an Austin Metro. So, here it is THE answer to the question on everyones lips; what does Moped stand for? . . .

Motorcycle Owner Punched Enraged Donkey

I think you’ll agree this has to be the answer. However, this answer does raise one or two other questions but as I was on a roll this moring I answered those too. Why would a Motorcyle owner punch a Donkey? and Why was the Donkey enraged? The answer to this is pretty obvious. The inventor of the Moped, who was a keen motorcyclist, had an unpleasent experience as a child when A Donkey bit him on the Bottom at Blackpool pleaseure beach. This left him both physically and mentally scarred, but many years on he decided to get his revenge. On a return visit to Blackpool pleasure beach he was suprised to see the same Donkey that had bit him as a child was still working on the beach. This was too good an opportunity to pass up, so he twatted it, thus enraging the Donkey who bit him again. Shortly after he thought to himself . . .

“I’ve seen the future, A Motorcycle Owner such as myself has Punched and Enraged a Donkey. I can use this same theory to annoy car drivers by inventing a smaller much crapper version of the Motorcycle, sell it to chav idiots wearing shell suits and white trainers, so that they can Enrage car drivers all over the world. I small call it the Moped!”

So, there you have it. A totally comprehensive and factual* answer to the question, What does Moped stand for?

*Complete bullshit

So, we have moved into our new house!

Yes folks, we’ve done it! After a very long and very stressful few months we have finally moved into our new home and it is totally awesome! We are both extremely happy and look forward to the future. However, I am not looking forward to the immediate future so much as it is completely consumed by decorating, there’s always a down side isn’t there? But, I’ve decided the best way to look at it is that once everything is all done and dusted we will have a great house that we won’t have to touch for a few years. Well, until Christine decides that she has gone off a particular colour scheme or wants a change for some completely unknown or unexplainable reason, but she is a woman so this kind of behaviour is perfectly acceptable. Well, through her eyes anyway. She’ll probably want to decorate the wall with bags or something. Actually, I think she would really like that because she would insist on me buying her two of every bag, one for the wall and one for her so she’ll always be co-ordinated whenever she enters the room. She’s sneaky like that. Anyway, I seem to have deviated from the subject matter and dug myself a hole from which I will never surface from again. So yes, a lot of decorating over the next months but we have made quite a bit of progress so far. The spare bedroom is now finished and we are using that as our bedroom for the time being until we get round to decorating the master bedroom. The small bedroom is also finished with the exception of changing the carpet; Christine will use this as her office. We have just started work on the living room; so far we have knocked down the old fireplace and painted the ceiling and skirting boards. The new fireplace arrived yesterday so I’ll be fitting that this week along with some new skirting board and a tiled area for the fireplace to sit on and fill up the gap in the flooring where the old fireplace used to be. All that will be left to do in the living room is to paint the walls and buy some new furniture.

I think that is about everything at the moment, I’ll tell more as and when it happens, there may even be one or two photos as well. You lucky people!

Oh yeah! I Almost forgot, when we moved in the fitted dishwasher was broken. Worst.day.EVER! However, it is now fixed and I am over the moon with it, no more washing up! Get in.

Steve out.

Moving home . . . Yes, it is stressful!

So, we have sold up and bought a new house. Easy stuff. We accept an offer from our buyer, put an offer in on the house we want to buy, that offer gets accepted so thats it then huh? Where’s the new keys, i’ll move in this weekend? Erm, no. The amount of phone calls i’ve had to make and the amount of paperwork I’ve had to fill in and post off to various people is simply mind numbing. I’m fed up of it, but sadly it is a necessary part of the process. What makes matters worse is when we are given some incorrect information from the start, which means that we have virtually started the whole process from scratch when we were near to completing. This small piece of mis-information turned out to be pretty damn important. Thanks for that. So, what is this small piece of mis-information we were .. erm, mis-informed of then I hear you calling? Well, i’m going to tell you (Wheather you want to hear it or not!?). It was in regards to the Tenure of the property. Tenure you say, what is … Ok, you get the picture right? So, tenure is refers to the land that the house is built on. When a new house is built and you buy it you are only purchasing the house, the land is still owned by someone else who you have to pay rent too of about £35 a year. This type of property is know as Leasehold Tenure. You can, obviously, buy the land that the house is built on and this is know as Freehold Tenure. So, the property we are purchasing is Freehold, which is great because this means that we get a good mortgage deal* and we own the land aswell as the house. Awesome! However, we only found out that is was freehold last week. We needed to know this information many weeks ago as we were originally told that it was leasehold, so everything we had done upto last week was based on a leasehold property. No matter which way you look it, everything was wrong and needs doing again. Oh joy. So, that is the stage we are currently at, appliying for yet another mortgage, awaiting yet another contract and re-organising everything else out inbetween. I’m hoping that everything will be sorted out by the end of the week and we can get one step closer to actually discussing a moving in date, but I am not holding my breath! . . . And thats about all I have to say on the subject.

Steve out!

*Well, I say good, what I actually mean is pretty crap but better than what you can get with leasehold!

FTO – New mods!

Well, I say mods, what I actually mean is mod. And I say new, what I actually mean is a couple of months ago. So, apart from these two very, very minor inconsistencies the title of this post is 100% correct!

So, these 3 blokes walk into a pub …

No.

I have made a new modification to my car in the form of HID 6000K headlights in brilliant Xenon white. For any owners out there who have not made this upgrade I suggest you purchase a set stat! Once installed (Which is incredibly easy by the way, just plug and play!) you will not believe the difference and wonder how you ever managed without them. In fact, they are so good I suspect you will never need to use you high beams ever again! If after reading this you do decide to buy a set there is just one small thing you need to know to make sure you buy 100% legal lights and it is simply this; don’t get any colour other than brilliant Xenon white!

Colours like blue, red, green etc are totally illegal and more importantly they make you look like a twat, so don’t do it kids! lol

I am Alive … Well, sort of.

Just to let those of you who could give a stuff I am alive and well. It has come to my attention that I am the worst blogger in the history of the known universe. I think the idea of a blog is to type out your life as it happens. This is all well and good in theory except for the small detail that I really can’t be bothered, so with that in mind I will briefly bring you up to date since my last post way back in 2008. Here goes …

It’s Christmas; Woo, have some mince pies!
Happy New Year!
Good morning, it’s 20th Jan 09

… and thats my life story to date.